Twisted Scribble: An Escapade with A Sensual Spirit

Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."

I’m on a point of 52-week low lately. Bored, unmotivated, and even worse i had some KFC for lunch.

I’ve been going to school since 17 years ago and counting still. Feel like i’m doing this forever, urghh… I’ve reached my limit. I’ve had enough of school…

I know it sounds spoilt and ungrateful, considering that only a teeny tiny fraction of world population can enjoy my privilege. But then what’s the frickin point?

I need a holiday, NOT want, but NEED!!!!!

Proverbs 21:

2: Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts.
3: To do justice and judgment is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice.
4: An high look, and a proud heart, and the plowing of the wicked, is sin.
5: The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.

If only every trader and investor has read Proverbs 21:5

But is it true that the way we judge our deeds through our spectacles will end up with immense justification? ignore all the red flags if your guts say ok.

How will we all understand when death traps are ahead? after that should we make a detour or just stop? Which way to pick?

How should we know that we should progress aggressively with our vision or to just sit back and be content?

When the traffic is slowing down, and the progress has not been made, that’s when i rest my vision on my "hope shelf" and kick-back.

Proverbs 2:

⁶All wisdom comes from the LORD, and so do common sense and understanding.

⁹With wisdom you will learn what is right and honest and fair.

¹⁰Wisdom will control your mind, and you will be pleased with knowledge.

¹¹Sound judgment and good sense will watch over you.

¹²Wisdom will protect you from evil schemes and from those liars

¹³who turned from doing good to live in the darkness.

¹⁴Most of all they enjoy being mean and deceitful.

Wisdom comes with humility, as i believe.

So people, when you’re on the rock bottom, dont be disheartened. It could be God giving you a field humility training before He elevates your spirit, mind, body, even financial condition.

Vulnerability: The ability to be vulnerable (my version).

I thank God for the vulnerability He blessed me with.

The exposure of layers and realms of feelings to my fragile soul trains me to be less stubborn.

Changes are not my goal. Experiencing is.

I dont know why i’m so prone to something new. Try to embrace it. Spent on it. And then leave it, find something else new. Then the cycle begins again.

Am i born to be an experiencer? that’s it?

Guess, i’m in a life junction.

Freedom to choose the life path can be attractive.

But freedom to choose the wrong path is even more attractive.

Twist me, swirl me, any way you want me!

My sassy life has cost me a fortune.

Alannah hill makes my saving statement hilly.

De Cjuba has made me think to move to Cuba.

Diane Von Furstenberg is only the tip of the iceberg.

Review has a good view on my purse.

Purr, Mango, Guess… urgghhh… but the mother of all guilts is… (tada!)

eBay !!

I wonder how did all of my fellow shoppaholics get a 150 bucks Diane Von Furstenberg dress before eBay.

But then again, SALE the best medium to ensnare your wallet.

My beloved told me something different few days ago. This is just right after i jumped over the sale announcements of Nicola Finetti, Vicious Threads and friends, for up to 75%!!!

He said, "Instead of reading ‘up to 75% sale or save 75%’ why dont you think of it as ‘at least 25% spending’… and then think about that you can actually save 100% by NOT SHOPPING"

I replied as if he was mad to miss Finetti’s sale… (you know how much his stuff can cost, right? at least one month rent)

But then i paused…

I thought it was a good brainwashing…

…………………………………………………………….

So here i am, Friday Evening, sitting down in my office and rambling stuff… NOT shopping!

The repented shoppaholic (at least i try to)

Ps. I’ve been through almost half a dozen boutiques this week without spending a penny. YAY!!! Guess i’ll reward myself this weekend by getting a nice dress from Finetti… ;p   (kiddin’  hope my beloved doesnt read this)

Hey God!

How you doing?

I hope it’s still serene and majestic up there…

I wonder if YOU had ever been bored by Heaven’s stuff. YOU know, of course it’s all holy and perfect, but have you ever felt that YOU missed something that’s unavailable on Heaven but loosely disposed on earth?

Well, i guess YOU might think i’m preposterous to be having said that as people will give themselves to death to be admitted up there, plus YOU create everything, so pretty much YOU have experienced good and bad stuff, on earth and Heaven (hence, Jesus)… is it true?

DUDE, i’m learning so hard NOT to judge YOU, NOT to ASSUME that YOU are this and that. Church teaches me to know YOU by learning the Bible. That’s it is the ONLY way to reach and to know YOU. is it true?

I mean, i like church so much. i like to be in the house where people praise, worship and pray to YOU. But sometimes they make me feel like a perfect sinner, YOU know, like today. Please remind YOU that by "they" i mean the people in church, NOT the church itself.

Do YOU see me that way? A perfect sinner?

Or is that just the tool they use to make you feel stuck with no choice but to repent? NO alternative, they say.

What’s the point of repenting? My comprehension would read the act of a remorsed person to gain a way to retrieve his/her soul and to rekindle their relationship with YOU. but, is there only one way to repent? Coz church has been telling me so. is it true?

I wanna foster a relationship with YOU, BIG DUDE… i mean ‘cool relationship’ more precisely.
YOU know me before i was formed in my mom’s womb, hence my character and my life are an open book for you.

YOU know that i dont like being confined and restricted.
YOU know that i dont like being dictated.
YOU know that i dont like being left with no options.
YOU know that i like to laugh and being cheeky.
YOU know that i like to learn something old and new.
YOU know that i like to smell the rain.
YOU know that i have some hidden secrets, perfectly folded.
YOU know that i have some weaknesses in guys… well, gorgeous guys i might add
YOU know that i have a crave for cheap and juicy celebrity goss.
YOU know that i love my family even though they dont know it and sometimes i hate to admit it.
YOU know that i love my beloved and friends.
and more importantly,… YOU know that i love YOU.

So, is it possible to have a relationship with YOU that is tailored to my character?

I mean, can i talk to you or worship you without having to form a ‘prayer position’?.
I mean, can i communicate with YOU in my head and my heart?
I mean, can i share dark and naughty secrets and ideas with you, which are most likely defined as ‘unholy’ by church people?
I mean, can i pour out all my joy and sorrow anytime i like?
I mean, can i talk to you like i talk to any other people, along with a significant respect for sure, but not all too formal and pretentious (hehehe)?
I mean, can i be mad at YOU for some ridiculous reasons?
I mean, can we have a ‘cool relationship’ without any boundaries, treat each other as a friend (i mean like friend in real world, not just as a slogan church likes to use… where in fact it’s not a very friendly relationship) ?

Well, GOD, actually i wanna dedicate this posting to thank YOU. Not that this is my only medium to send YOU my gratitude, but i want the whole world to know what YOU’ve done in my life.

BIG DUDE, thanks for everything, i know YOU are awesome and cool.

Thanks that i have a family, who loves me, despite all the disagreements and control they impose to me, along with the persistent justification of ‘doing it for my own good’.

Thanks that i have my beloved, who loves me the most when i couldnt return it, who takes me as i am… in practise… (yes, it’s not just a boyfriend’s promise or slogan i used to hear a lot without any delivery) and who corrects my english grammar (which i dont enjoy hehhee).

Thanks that i have cool friends, who even though sometimes they offend me or piss me off, they still care about me and become the place to find solace and comfort.

Thanks that i finally snagged two jobs (not one) that sometimes seem a bit daunting and it takes some time before i get the pay out.

Thanks that YOU are there when shits happen (i mean NOT as the cause, but as the Counselor)… and that YOU remind me that bad judgements that i made or undesirable behaviours that i committed dont always constitute Who I Am.

Thanks that i’ve become me. That despite my whacky family, unavoidable expectations, irksome ‘english lesson’, bad allegations, few ‘trials’ and hectic days, i still manage to see the beauty of life. Even though my life is not always on the right track, i am still able to talk to YOU. Even though YOU allow me to experience low feelings, YOU wont let me drown in them and pick me up on the right time.

and lastly… Thanks for being my GOD…

My Lord, my Lord! Where art Thou?

Why you let me into this temptation and hell…

I am stupefied by this stupendously stupid brain of mine…

This assignment is worse than the falling sky…

My Lord, my Lord… Where art Thou?

I dont believe in SOULMATE!

Gue ngga percaya sama yg namanya JODOH!

Yes, yes, condemn me to the death as i offend three-quarter (if not more) population of the world who put their souls into stake and quest for this enticing entity only to discover later that this entity was worthless than horse shit.

No, no i’m not on the curing period from a wrecked relationship, not at all. In fact i’m deeply in love now. But it makes my refusal even stronger upon this whole theory.

I dont believe that God makes one perfect person for everyone on earth.

I know you would bet that i’d use the disproportional gender distribution trend to justify my theory. But that’s even hard to substantiate.

I mean, you see how Chinese Government can’t put their hands to control the over-production of male babies. Now if you imagine in the future these babies travel around the world, the male population would catch up to their female counterpart. But again, i gotta remind you the ‘law of taste’ should apply here (no offense to all chinese male-kinds)

Okay, now back to the heart of my theory.

1. I believe that there are certain people that might be compatible with other type of people (male to male, male to female, female to female, you name it)

2. It is up to you to make your relationship work out. You can’t blame God or anyone if it doesn’t work. Remember "it takes two to tango" (ugh, cliche stuff but rings true)

3. The last thing is, i believe that God will bless you and your relationship no matter who you are with.

All my life, i’ve been taught that it is up to God to make a relationship work. Well, in real life many married couples who believe they are soulmates or jodoh end up in divorce. So, who are you gonna blame?

It’s easy to point your finger to God. But it’s not God’s fault, you idiot.

This is the pain in the ass part with many christians. No offense to christians, coz i am.

But they are just too lazy, asking God to deliver them their ‘one’ or ‘other half’ or ‘the rib’ and wait around. I mean HELLOO… God is not your delivery boy or your male maid.

And if things go wrong than she or he is not the one. Well, you can fix thing.

God blesses all of us with Power! Power to change things! Unbelievable Power you can never imagine! That’s how you believe in God! Not by sitting around, but MOVE!

All you have to do is just to move your weary poopy ass and Act some attitude!!!

Finally, one very important thing to nurture a healthy and life-long relationship is that both parties must realise the goal of their relationship. I’m not talking about making babies and big town-house by the shore. But it’s about growing up. Committing to each other that they will help their partner to grow up, understand life, God and thrive. Yes, thrive. Bring the best out of each other. Respect and faithfulness.

And the most important thing is… to love.

uurrgghh…

No, I’m not sorry for fucking everyone!

(now THAT’S my girl)

I’m just practising the anger management theory.

Whether ‘fucking everyone’ is actually an effective tool to vent your anger and take the edge off as a result.

And guess what, i’m the one still who’s still "screwed" 

There, there, so now is the time to switch to "Oprah approach"

Let’s trace back to the root of my anger and anxiety…

okay, i overburden myself, am overloaded with responsibilities, let people depend on me, am involved in too many activities, am too tired now, have too many dreams and ACT upon them, and lastly HAVEN’T GOT ANY JOB, of which my pretentious ass would believe NONE of them deserves me.

Am i overloaded with responsibilities or self-pride?

Am i an idealist humanitarian crusader or a pompous bitch who thinks she can handle the world?

I dunno… sometimes i believe everything goes fine, even though i’ve seen many evidences to the contrary.

But then i tend to pick the loose cozy approach, in which i believe that it’s my perception and decision to feel what i want to, regardless the stimulating situation.

I thought it was a pro-active life approach.

I believe any kind of pop psychology writer will agree with me, call Dr. Phil and he’ll snatch me to be in his rescue team.

However, as time goes by, many comforting and conforming decisions have been made, i began to think… whether i’ve become too delusional to get in touch with my real emotion.

Have you ever been in that situation?

When your heart is so full of joy, your head is determined and your soul responded accordingly, you come to a term of ‘freedom’.

Yes, you’re freed from your physical situation, excluded from worldly interference and you have no emotion to express but CONTENTMENT AND GRATIFICATION.

I’m not saying this is bad at all. Wow! NO way jose ! if this state of being is awfully categorised, then nothing will matter in this world.

What i’m worried about all these is if i’ve become too immuned with the outside world. And that i’m actually deluding myself, living in my illusory realm. I’m afraid that i’m TOO content, that i’ll shut down myself from people’s interference, that nothing else matters but God and myself.

Is it wrong?

…to be continued…

FUCK EVERYONE!

that’s it!

Good gracious God!

here i am again, scribbling and rambling stuff on and on as usual…

i suppose my intention is a bit devious, as i’m trying to do anything to steer clear of my assignment.

Guess who’s back… back again…! The old lazy Baby.

Only now i’m back as a Master of Accounting student, not an idealist Arts pupil whose aspiration revolves around the attempts to oppose pervasive government and being an obstinate essay writer.

Yeah, i just had an enjoyable chat with my long-time congenial friend. A little trip back the memory lane, talking how zany i was, and complaining on how now i can no longer perform my old accomplishing-1500-word-essay-a-day routine… given that now i’m thinking for someone else’s interest hence i have to be more logical and sensible.

Ugh, it’s really hard to think within boundaries and to write when your imagination is shackled. It is quite funny provided that i train myself to think outside the box.

Anyway enough about that, today i had a ‘Melbourne weather’ day, which means i experienced at least 4 types of weathers. Low, perplexed, frustrated, excited, dissapointed, cheery, perplexed again, frustrated again, happy and now tired and guilty (as i haven’t done anything valuable for my assignment)

yeah, looks like i made the right order

All and all what i learnt today was… no matter how low and stumped i feel, i can always hold onto people i love (my beloved and my friends for today)

and a special acknowledgement i reserve for my oldie best friend Kiky…(hiyyaaa… i miss you heaps lahhhh) who submitted her comment. very encouraging in the time of need like now, it gives me more reason to keep blabbing on this forum. Thanks gal…

Another thing i learnt as well today is that i’m over-committing myself. I voluntarily involve myself in numerous activities which in some ways could affect adversely to my sanity and health.

Come to think about it, my mind and conscience remain baffled on its irony.

My initial intention to jump into all these things was to develop myself and enhance my life skills, which is proven and tested to some extent.

But i feel like lately i couldn’t accomplish things and i’m always on the run to do something.

Is this painstaking process worth the result?

or am i doing this the right way?

I’ve been thinking much about what kind of person i’m going to be, career wise.

In my theory, there are two types of people in the way they’re approaching their career aspiration:

1. Focused and determined people. I genuinely admire these people as they devote a significant period of their life to focus on one area and strive to be the best at it. Names like Murdoch, Branson and Gates are the well-known graduates of this institute. I’m tempted to put Jesus in this category since He’s given all His life to teach the truth and accomplished it with unsurpassed faithfulness. But He’s also done other things like being a carpenter and stuff, although it doesnt really matter.

I’ve seen many people who work in the same industry for tens of years and thrive. I suppose that’s how they thrive in life, by exploring one area and get the best out of it.

2. Now, this box contains people who have job history longer than Paris Hilton’s fuck buddy list. They are attracted to ever-changing environment, interested in many things, and easily seduced by challenge. Many reasons drive them to do this, they could be blessed with many talents or the right job hasn’t just landed yet so they keep digging and searching.

I will categorise myself in this group for both reasons… hehhehe… nah, i am interested in many things. For me i’m better off knowing little about many things than having a thorough knowledge about one field. Coz life is an unpredictable journey, you need different tools to deal with every situation.

My dream careers range from being a Business/Communication Consultant, opening my own craft and fashion shop, becoming a successful writer, to being a professional Belly Dancer.

However, my ultimate vision or life calling, shall i say, is to be a Community Developer in Developing Nations, carrying humanitarian mission to people in need. yeah, weird huh if you refer to my previous list. I believe i receive this vision from God and no matter what i’ll do or be, i know i will come to this point. Sooner or later. And whatever careers or activities i do are intended to equip and prepare myself for this highest calling.

So now i tempt to re-test my position. Do i actually belong in the first category? or should i put myself outside the box?

Oh well…

So which box are you in?

New day, new hope, new trouble…

Few days ago I went for an interview for the job that I wanted so ugly. You see, I have few theories about wanting something so badly.

First, do Un-Want it!!! No matter what!! It’s like that reverse psychology system. Somehow someday the universe will reserve something you deserve. All you have to do is just to act nonchalant. It reminds me that this rule applies for all first daters.

This happens to people who see life as an endless irony.

Second, don’t Un-Want it if you desire it genuinely. Yes, it sounds like those

Hollywood

movies which portray faith-will-fruit-in-the-end-if-you-really-hold-onto-it stuff.

This is a more jolly and naive approach to life. And it still amazes me how

Hollywood

still sells this stuff despite the flourishing of terrorism and the attack of ‘Desperate Housewives’ on my TV screen.

Anyway, in an attempt to nourish the healthier side of my soul, I picked the second option. So I was being a nice girl, who said nice things they wanted to hear from me. And I believed the interviewer liked me… or did she?   

After the interview, I was so assured that I would manage this one, and then I shopped my last bucks for unnecessary items (as if there’s necessary item) as a way to celebrate and reward myself. I guess Body Shop, Review and Myer celebrate my blunder.

It didn’t stop there.

In a journey to indulge my curiosity, I hopped into a tram whose route I had no idea about. In the end, it terminated about 3-4 kames from my house. And no other means of transportation were available.

God bless the tram…

I walked home in my precious heels.

God bless the heels.

Just a flash: Walking with blistered toes in pointy heels is not the healthiest exercise.

My toes were bloated; and I believed, somewhere between the red light and Exeloo (the mobile loo, yesss… that loo where you excrete your human dirt  in… now they can move… talking about ‘advanced technology for all the wrong reasons’) I could feel my toes INTERTWINED! Whoa, not a pretty scene for a Sex and The City chick.

My idiosyncrasy has finally found its way to betray me.

When I managed to get home, I tossed the cursed shoes off only to find my shapeless feet.

Anyway, after nights and days of following feet re-shaping program conducted by my butcher, now they look slightly less horror. I’m just a bit irritated with that little veal tucked inside my pinkie toe… does anyone know how to get rid of it?

Finally, what’s the morale of this rambling?

I guess to learn that a faith is not a faith until it passes the test and to carry an extra pair of runners in my bag, no matter what.

Anyway, she promised to let me know the result by the end of the week, which has passed two days ago. I still yet didn’t receive the call.

But as I said, a faith is not a faith until it passes the test.

Well, maybe she IS testing my faith and patience.

So, should I wait until the end of the week in June? Hmmm…

In the end, the Body Shop, Myer and Review fancy shopping bags remain unopened. They are sitting nicely at the corner of my room.

Yet I’m still wondering, are you allowed to pick your nose during the interview? Ups…

My aspired relationship should be no less than a multiple-orgasm…

…mind-blowing, intense, unstoppable, and yet still ask for more…

i’m not saying it for lovers only, but also works for any other relationship models. even with God.

when was the last time you had a "multiple-orgasm relationship"?

i’m working hard to create one now…

yes, i’m trying to create a "multiple-orgasm relationship" with God now…

you might think i’m being profane… next time the church finds out my page, that’s it… total ban!

but no, i’m being serious

last time i was in church, i was so close to dance around the room… well, dance is too civil for me, maybe it’s more to hopping, jumping, twirling, swirling in the air like Cirque d’ soleil and oh, dont forget the chanting.

my body was flowing with the music and dying to burst the passion inside out…

how cant we make the church scene hotter than Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie-Jennifer Aniston threesome drama? (oh admit it, we all enjoy the Tinseltown affair)

Passion may die down. Fire turns into flame, flame turns into spark and then nothing but the crisp air. everything has an end.

but my point remains valid, out of 80 years of our life expectancy, how many hours, days, weeks, months or even years would we spend to lead a passionate life.

if only we have an eternal flame (like the one in Shrine of Remembrance) inside all of us… no matter how gloomy the endeavour will be, we’ll still embrace it with the fire in us and turn it into burning night.

the question will be, who will supply the gas? and where can we connect to it?

… to be continued